My first blog post and it’s going to be something I wrote in January of 2012. Enjoy the read.
Jan 15, 2012
I didn’t read Rev. David’s blog last week but I was in the right place at the right time and heard him share it verbally today. I was totally mesmerized by his words. I sat there and thought about me and my story…..
I didn’t CHOOSE to be gay… I tried to be “normal”. I never WANTED to be a part of the minority.
I started getting involved with boys at the age of 13. I started dating a boy from church my senior year of High School. (He ended up being my kids dad) We dated for several years and then got married at the “appropriate” time. We planned our kids to be born after being married for a couple of years. I did A LOT of things that seemed to be “appropriate”. Life went on for us as a man/woman relationship. I didn’t have any skills to make it in this relationship in the first place.. I didn’t know how to communicate.. I didn’t know how to identify or voice my feelings… We pretty much just existed. I made a lot of mistakes in that relationship… didn’t take responsibility for MY part in the ending of it… that’s another story.
I “left” this relationship emotionally a few years before the actual end of it. So when I met the woman, whom I call my wife today, in May of 2000, I had NO idea how to deal with everything that was going through my mind!! The church I was raised in didn’t support homosexuality (that was MY perception at the time… it may not have been this way). I wasn’t supposed to EVER get a divorce because it was wrong/sinful. When I started feeling some feelings I had never felt before I didn’t know what to do. I knew my marriage was over, but was terrified to leave it because I didn’t think I could support my girls and myself all alone. Long story short, I left the relationship I had with my kids dad and entered directly into the relationship that I am in today. I felt so ashamed and guilty. I kept saying that I wasn’t a lesbian.. that I just loved HER. There was no pressure on me to get over this… I was left to come to my own acceptance of what was going on with me on my own. I came to acceptance of being “different:” – started to identify myself as a lesbian later on that year.
I was very blessed to have been introduced to a woman, who is now my BEST friend, at church and also in the 12 step community I belong to in Feb. of 2002. She played a HUGE part of me becoming comfortable in my own skin and me accepting that I wasn’t “different” ….. I was just someone who loved a person of the same sex.
You know everyone… ACCEPTANCE DOESN’T MEAN APPROVAL!!!! I don’t care if you don’t approve of my relationship. I just want you to like/love me for WHO I am… not WHAT I am. I had an instance early on in my coming out that has made a BIG impact on me around this idea of acceptance doesn’t mean approval. It was very difficult for this person to grasp the idea that not only was I getting a divorce but I was in love with a woman!! Someone came into this person’s life and introduced her to a group that was LIKE PFLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of lesbian & gays) in a local church and said that she may be interested in attending. This person started attending these meetings, unbeknownst to me, and came to me a few months after I came out and said to me…. ” I just want you to know that I love and accept everyone” WOW!!!! I couldn’t believe it!!!
Today I was sitting there listening to Rev David this morning thinking to myself… I don’t want special TREATMENT. I just want to have the same RIGHTS as everyone else does. I want to be able to love and marry ANYONE I love. I want to be able to file my taxes as a married couple. I want to be able to act on her behalf if she’s ever in the hospital and not able to communicate her choices. I want to be able to do everything a heterosexual couple can legally do.
I LOVE these two sayings:
Equal rights are not special rights.
If being gay is a choice – when did you choose to be straight?
So… even though we are not treated with equality, I’m filled with gratitude that I can wake up tomorrow and thank Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. for what he started with the civil rights movement. I will also remember to be thankful for the beautiful life I have today with someone who loves me and whom I love sooo much!!!
THANK YOU GOD!!!!
(btw… we changed our last name so that we could have the same last name… it’s a girls name from a baby name book. pronounced zo-belle…. it means – BEAUTIFUL LIFE!!! no joke!!!)
Thank you ALL who love and accept me for WHO I am … not WHAT I am!!!!
And…. as of today – 4/28/16 – we are actually LEGALLY married now!!!! We had a small ceremony with our best friends on the banks of the Metolius river on 12/5/15. We filed our taxes as “Married Filing Jointly” for the first time this past April! WOW!!!!!
God is good…. ALL the time!!!