Do you sit around waiting for people to fulfill your needs without telling them what your needs ARE??!!! I spent many years doing this and forming resentments and where did it get me??!! NO WHERE!!! I was a very angry and unhappy person for several years until I learned better. When I learn better, I become better.
I was just in a fb msging post about a mom being sad that her children didn’t contact her after they moved away. I’ve been that daughter. I didn’t contact my parents because I was “too busy” and didn’t want to take time out of my schedule to check in on them. My mom had a hip replacement several years ago and I wasn’t a part of it AT ALL because I didn’t ask what I could do to help. I didn’t just show up to help take care of household chores because I didn’t think they needed it. I could have done things differently if I had known what I could do or asked if there was anything they needed.
I had a difficult conversation with one of my girls recently about a need she was having for connection with me. She wanted to be nurtured more by me. I didn’t really know what that looked like. We talked and I asked for some ideas and more clarity. I WANT to know better so I can be a better mom!!!! I wasn’t the one to reach out and call her. I thought she was too busy and I didn’t want me to “bother” her. She asked that I reach out and call her. That’s a clear request of a need to be met. I may not be able to meet it 100% of the time, but I sure can do my best!!! I made a phone call to her today and left a message letting her know I was thinking of her and that I loved her.
I experience being told that a person thinks I’m too busy and they don’t want to bother me and that’s why they don’t call me. It doesn’t feel good – AT ALL!!!! If person A has a need that isn’t being met by the person B, person A needs to speak up!!! Person B – or ANYONE for that matter – can’t read our minds!!!!
We’re also not responsible to meet everyone’s needs. It’s our job to get our needs met – whether it be by asking another person or just getting that need met on our own. That was a huge revelation I learned while doing some trauma work a few years ago.
Are you going to continue to sit around hoping someone will read your mind, or are you going to ask that your need for connection or support, or to be seen/heard be met with a request from you?
Want some help with this? Check out wiseheartpdx.org for more information on feelings/needs with Compassionate Communication (also known as Non-Violent Communication or NVC).
Once you know better, you can be/do better.
Blessings!!!
Cari